Do You Punish Your Children? We Explain Why This Could Be an Error
First of all, it is worth noting the importance and benefit of establishing precise limits for children so that they learn to live together. The limits help them understand and give meaning to the rules that -as human beings who live in society-, we need. In addition, they are very useful, as they give them the security and reference they need to respectfully interrelate, collaborate and share with others.
We need limits to know references that indicate the borders from where we can grow and progress as human beings. And we do well to show these borders to children from earliest childhood. They are a gift for their proper development as people.
That said, it is very interesting that fathers and mothers ask ourselves these questions: From where (and from what emotion) do we set those limits? And consequently, how do we do it? From fear or from love? From anger and rage or from serenity? From imposition or from commitment and respect? From responsibility or from victimhood? From rigidity or from flexibility…?
Sometimes we fall into the mistake of thinking that imposing discipline (to clearly mark these limits) is to impart punishments left and right. "If we want discipline at home, we have to be severe and clearly define the boundaries, lest things go out of hand," we tell ourselves. Other times, we think that we do not want to repeat patterns as strict as those we may have received and we sway towards permissiveness that leads us to chaos and insecurity.
Punishment cannot be an end (it is not exhausted) in itself. Discipline means teaching . Therefore, this premise can lead us to the following reflections.
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If we ask ourselves “ Why do we punish our children?” We can respond in many ways: “ Because I want him to learn to respect limits, because I want him to become a responsible adult tomorrow, because it's good for him” . All this is very reasonable. However, if we ask ourselves this question at the very moment in which we are punishing, that is, probably hijacked by emotion, and we are really honest... we would even go on to justify ourselves and perhaps recognize that we punish “because I'm fed up, I can't take it anymore, I'm angry, I don't feel respected in my authority, I'm tired, I've had a bad day, I'm overwhelmed, I'm short of hands, I'm having a bad time with my partner or at work, because it is a pulse, a power struggle…”
Let's think, for a moment, about all the emotions from which we can act, or rather react, in these and other similar cases .
We can also think that we punish them so that they "reflect on their behavior and learn the lesson... But what lesson?". Do we really believe that? Or maybe our children from their anger or frustration may think that we are unfair to them (in short, "the baddest dads in the world" ) or that we don't understand them? ( Without serenity we cannot think and children are no exception ).
Educating is not an easy task and, furthermore, there are no universal recipes since there is not one child the same as another, nor one situation identical to another, no matter how many similarities exist.
We educate and accompany our children from the person we are. From the BEING, and the BEING is translated into the DOING. We need a lot of patience, perseverance, trust, enthusiasm and a desire to always grow and learn (life never stops teaching) and, also, a good dose of compassion with ourselves to know how to forgive.
What would change or be different if we ask ourselves “why do we punish” in “this precise situation” ? What is behind my action? What do I want to teach my son? What am I looking for to learn from what has happened? Does it perhaps lead us to a space of greater creativity, possibility or proactivity? Would it help us to stop the action of punishing from being so reactive? Would we be looking for a purpose, a philosophy about what we want to pass on to our children? How can I teach my son what I really want him to understand?
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